Random thoughts on a Thursday

Five minutes to blog. (Pep-talks to herself: five minutes, Maria, and then go do dishes, okay? Five minutes!)

I've been feeling like I am my grandmother today. The Kid is pushing his boundaries and learning to get what he wants, and being on the parent side of that relationship I've been going, "No, don't do that!", "No, get off that!", "No, get back here!"

But even as it's been happening I've been thinking to myself, "This is exactly what it felt like being at my grandparents' place." My grandmother was a very neat and orderly person and I, on the other hand... wasn't.

Several times each day she was shouting to me, "No, don't do that!", "No, get off that!", "No, get back here!" I remember how crappy it felt being on the receiving end of that kind of treatment and it makes me cringe to think how The Kid now hollers with joy when The Man comes home from work. "Dada!" he shouts and runs to meet his hero, The Man.

Yeah, sure: you're the guy that throws him up in the air and plays horsey with him in the living room, I think, whereas I'm that "horrible parent" who insist that he eats food, that puzzles don't get left in the middle of a hallway and that our dog is not to be pulled by the tail.

I don't resent The Man for being a great parent - I'm grateful for that. I just resent the fact that I'm having to be the un-cool parent.

***

My counsellor thinks I need some SSRIs. I think that I need some sleep, rest and sanity instead.

Hopefully the move will bring some much-needed balance back into our lives. Financially it is going to be horse's bollocks, but oh well, just need to suck it up for a while.

***

It's way past five minutes already, isn't it?

***

I've got a poster up on my wall: liking what you do is happiness.

The other one I haven't got yet is: doing what you like is freedom.

Doing what you like is freedom.
Liking what you do is happiness.

***

There's an episode on House MD where Thirteen says something along the lines of, "You know that when you run out of questions, you don't just run out of answers - you run out of hope."

Hope.

I hope - and believe - that getting out of this house is going to change our circumstances significantly, and it is why I insist that I do the move without the help of SSRIs.

And then next year, we'll see what happens. My gut feeling is that once I start anew in a place that doesn't have the emotional baggage of all that's been happening recently, I am going to breathe out and look ahead. If I'm wrong, I'll go talk to my GP about SSRIs - but until then, I feel that I can do it.

On my own.

Because I've got hope.

***

I'd like to write more, but sorry, I've gotta go. Two children, dishes, a dog, food to prepare, clothes to bring in... You know, life of a parent ;)

And in case you don't know what it's like - life of a parent - then my advice to you is, ENJOY IT WHILE IT LASTS!!!

:D

2 comments:

  1. Listened to a podcast a few days ago and thought you might like it :) Partly is about SSRI-s (if I understood correctly what this meant). Food for thought is always good, right? http://jesslively.com/kelleylilien/ Very excited for your move!

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  2. That's the thing, once you move a certain block of stress will be removed (annoying landlord and worries about the winter) so that may well improve things. Hopefully it's enough, but if it's not at least you do have the option of SSRI-s to fall back on.

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