Lots of expletives

This morning I googled, "What does nervous breakdown feel like?"

Eh.

I am a tenant, not an owner of this house. I should not be getting good at understanding how water collection systems work, how to repressurise plumbing and how to move an airlock in an uphill water pipe. Also, I should not be filling a washing machine with a bucket. There are lots of things in my life I could do with that time and energy instead.

At some point during this morning I just went in our bedroom, pulled up a blanket and pretended that the world doesn't exist. 

Am I having a nervous breakdown? I don't know, but I do have a feeling that I've finally developed depression though. I feel that my body just doesn't cope with lack of sleep any more, not when coupled with stress/pressures of everything else that is going on. First world problems, I know - but still. 

(PS. Yes, I drink water, eat fruit and veggies, have breakfast, nap when possible and try to take care of myself.)

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By the way, did you know that according to New Zealand's tenancy legislation, a tenant cannot give notice to terminate a fixed-term contract, not unless a landlord agrees to it? I even spoke to New Zealand's Department of Building and Housing, asking, "So, what will happen if I just give notice, three-four weeks, whatever, and leave?"

I become liable for all the money I would've paid my landlord until the end of our contract, they said.

Great. This just keeps getting better. I "love" this place.

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Yesterday we drove past a lady that was touring with her bike. She had one of those trolleys that attach to the bike, with a sleeping bag, a tent and everything else she needed loaded onto that trolley, and The Man said that he feels jealous when he sees people touring like that.

I said to him that I feel jealous when I drive past houses where people have double-glazing.

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A friend who has two children almost the same age as The Kid and The Girlie are, went on holiday recently. A week they spent in Australia and upon return I asked, "So, did it actually feel like a holiday to you?"

He looked at me with those eyes only a parent of young children can have, and answered, "No, actually, it didn't. I couldn't wait to get back and go to work."

I laughed and then I nodded. 

It reminded me of that poster I once saw, something about money/time/health never being good all at once. It went something like this: at 20 there is enough time and health, but not money. At 40 there is money and health, but not time. And then at 60 there is money and time, but not health any more.

Which reminds me: last week my counsellor said that one day my children will leave and I will start having time for myself again, and I sort of looked at her, thought for a moment and replied, "Maybe, but by then my joints will have started going, too."

Am I a half glass empty sort of a person? Darn it, but at the moment, quite possibly. 

However, if something f*ckin' else brakes down in this f*ckin' house, then tenancy tribunal or not... Ehh.

***

Whilst writing this I had this image in my head of someone commenting this post with, "Maria, you complain so much, it's depressing to read." I thought to myself: how would I react to that?

And it occurred to me that I would probably reply with something along the lines of, OMG, is someone making you read this blog?! How horrible for you!

Which, also, reminds me: recently a couple called John and Sherry stopped blogging at www.younghouselove.com . I hear there has been lots of outcry along the lines, how could they do that, they have a commitment to their readers! To which I think, hey, just do whatever makes you happy, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, and leave it at that. 

If anything, I appreciate their integrity to not keep on going when it doesn't feel fun or good any more.

It's kind of why this blog doesn't have ads, nor have them in the future. It's my place - a place where I do what I like, when I like it. (Even if it is complaining about this house for, what, sixth month in a row?)

I am at a stage where I don't even think I have energy to move any more. I don't want any more "open homes", negotiations over pets, or scrutinizing fencing via Google Maps. I want to go to bed, pull a blanket up, and sleep for two years.

5 comments:

  1. If you think you complain too much you should come and try living with me. :P And I don't have kids. Yet. :D

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  2. Nice, you made me look up 'expletive'.

    A very beautiful and inspiring blog, by the way.

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    1. Martin!!! Tahaks sulle kirjutada, ja kusida, kuidas sul laheb ja mida sa teed jne, ja endast kah kirjutada, aga kuhu ma selle saadan? :)

      Ma pole sind niiiiiii ammu nainud...

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  3. Have you checked with the tenancy tribunal about your landlord's responsibilities and recourse available should he not be fulfilling those responsibilities? You probably have knowing you, but thought I'd suggest it anyway. How much longer does your agreement hold for?
    Btw, on bloggers having a commitment to their readers, unless there is a contract, no they don't! My blog is mostly for me so I can get down what I want on "paper" and show off my craftiness and cos it makes me feel good. If it stops making me feel good I will stop blogging and I'd expect everyone else who blogs to only do it so long as they feel happy about it. Yes, I'd be disappointed if you stopped as I enjoy your writing style, but I won't berate you, and I will understand.
    Finally, a hug from on the flat, I think you need it.

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    1. Hugs taken! :)

      Tenancy Tribunal have been if maybe not on speed dial, then within the last three dialled numbers for the whole week, I think. I even remember some of those guys by name :P

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