On joy and sadness of love

It was such a beautiful, and yet such a heart-rending moment on Wednesday morning, just thinking about it now makes my eyes well up.

I was getting us ready for a trip into town. The Girlie was laying flat on her back on our bed as I was pulling on her jumpers, booties, woollen pants. She was squeaking her newborn squeak, mouthing around for attention and looking around inquisitively. I stopped what I was doing, looked at her, and kissed her tummy.

"I love you so, so much, you do know that, don't you?"

And suddenly it hit me: this, this is what all those mothers have talked and written about! This feeling which pulls at the heart and makes me want to cradle her in my arms and then keep her there. Love - love for this tiny newborn creature.

And it suddenly made me cry in joy and sadness all at the same time because as I was standing there above her, I knew that it was a new feeling - new to me. I was crying out in gratitude for having experienced it now, with my daughter, and felt my heart fill with sadness for not having had that with The Kid.

I ached for knowing that I had not had that with The Kid.

Almost everything about this birth has been so, so much easier than our experience three years ago! The physical healing, the emotions, the amount of sleep - the love.

Three years ago, 9 days into my son's life I still hadn't left the Dunedin Hospital since he'd been born, I was still not able to breastfeed him fully and spent hours each day attached to that damned breastpump, I was worn out but pushing myself constantly to get us out of there and home, and to get us all healthy. The love grew over time, eventually, but very slowly and on a road filled with potholes, in what felt like a long, hard slog.

Whereas now I have been home for almost a week already, I have long walks with my family, I can lift things, there isn't a daily dose of Codeine on my nightstand and when I stand above my daughter, dressing her in her outdoors clothes, I feel... love. The sort of love that pulls at my heart.

And it that moment, I felt so, so, so grateful for having had the experience like this, now, and such sorrow for not having had that with my son. I felt sad for not so much me, but for... him. For the time he had had a mother that was working so hard at loving him.

And yet it also made me proud, and grateful, for we got there in the end - didn't we! - and for all the parents heading down the same road of struggle, be it Caesarean sections or NICU stays or some other reasons: hang in there. It'll come.

PS. Sorry for such long, wobbly sentences. I am tired and lacking sleep. My brain's not really working...

7 comments:

  1. Anonymous14.6.14

    So beautiful. Thank you.

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  2. Anonymous14.6.14

    Õnnitlused tütre sünni puhul :) Kas tohib ka küsida, et mis tütre nimeks sai ning kuidas koer uue ilmakodaniku vastu võttis? :)

    Kertu!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ma olen otsustanud blogis laste nimesid mitte kasutada, aga kui sa viitsid natuke guugeldada ja uurida, siis Saksamaal, Rheini jõel, on üks koht, kus veeneitsid öeldakse kalamehi uppuma meelitavat, jõgi teeb seal suure käänu ja kividel on hulganisti paate ära uppunud. Nende veeneitsite nimi :)

      Delete
    2. Ahsoo, ja koer: teda, mulle tundub, huvitavad hoopis rohkem lapse mähkmed kui et laps ise. Ta on teda mõnikord nuusutanud, aga ega ma teda koerale kättesaadavatesse kohtadesse praegu ei jäta, nii et koera seisukohast on laps nagu... Noh, jah.

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    3. Nii tore nimi! Kindlasti mõtlen su peale, kui sealt kohast järgmine kord mööda sõidan, see pole nimelt kuigi kaugel meist ;)

      Delete
  3. Anonymous14.6.14

    Õnnitlused tütre sünni puhul :) Kas tohib ka küsida, et mis tütre nimeks sai ning kuidas koer uue ilmakodaniku vastu võttis? :)

    Kertu!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous15.6.14

    Tänan, sain vastuse :) Sulle jaksu, edu ja palju rõõmu igasse päeva :)

    Kertu!

    ReplyDelete