On being ill

I'm really bad at being ill.

Weak and tired, I haven't much energy to do stuff, but being a parent, having a real rest isn't really an option: toddler wakes up in the morning and from then onwards, for him it's all game on, regardless of whether I feel like I want to curl up in a ball or not. There are no grandparents or family to load him off onto, so ill or not, parenting's on.

So I move about and I do things, and for a few days it sort of works, but then by a third day - today - it's a crash. Like, a real crash - whatever reserves I've had, I think I've spent them.

For most of today, I've felt like I've wanted to cry. For some part, I've even done that.

I haven't the patience. I haven't the excitement. I resent the weather, the dog, the toddler, the dishes, the cold and just, generally, life.

Having started to recover from my illness, physically, I've developed an appetite for food (yay!), but because my gestational diabetes is still out of whack due to being ill (oh no...) - even foods that I've known are safe to eat have bumped my sugar numbers over the limit for the past few days - I've spent most of my morning hungry. Do you know what it feels like being pregnant, weak and hungry?

What it means, for example, is that today I would've seriously considered calling up Christchurch Women's and saying, f*ck this, put me on insulin so I can eat, please - but being a long Easter weekend outpatients' physicians are all out of the office until Tuesday, of course, so even insulin hasn't been an option; I've resented diabetes and being hungry and being pregnant among and on top of other things.

By late afternoon I was so clogged up in my head that I simply walked out the door and said to The Man I was going to go for a drive because I couldn't think of a single thing that would make me feel happy.

That - that's how beautifully crap I am at being ill, and how quickly I downgrade from reasonable to crying in a car because I cannot think of what else would make me feel better.

Time - time will make it better - but I'm not good with time. I want to get better NOW!

1 comment:

  1. Head up girl! I have a present for you! So I need your adress! :) Can you e-mail me that please?

    It might even make you feel a little happy! xx