An afternoon ramble of being kind to myself

I find this lady familiar sometimes - not always, but sometimes I do.

"One of the biggest transformations has been the ability to allow myself to have a bad day. A few months ago if I was having a rough time I would have thought, “I suck at life. In fact, I will always suck at it. No one sucks at it more than I do.” Because even my depression wants to be valedictorian. 

Now? Now I stop myself and think, “Wait. Normal people have bad days. Everyone has bad days. You’re having a bad day. That’s all this is.” This tiny shift in thinking has had the hugest impact on my life because in the midst of something terrible or wrong I am finding light."

As I read this I thought, yeah, I know what it means.

I think it's been part of living in New Zealand, or maybe just growing up - or both? - but I have also somehow learned the ability to, sometimes, just let the anger be and allow myself the space to be a grump.

For a while, anyway.

It's not always pretty - heck, who I am kidding here, it's not pretty most of the time! - but it allows for a buffer of de-stressing and complaining the heck out of something, to then move on with life and find other things that are important.

Take this whole being pregnant deal at the moment, right - in the last month or so I've come down with a whole array of things that are making living life the way I pictured it two months ago, well... inconveniently dissimilar to what I was picturing.

I live in a house way, way out of way; I am not allowed to drive; there's a build-up of medical appointments and things that need "observation"; whilst my husband's work are being a$$sholes by not giving him any time off work whatsoever - and in a big picture, I know, this is not major stuff. No-one's dying, no-one's harmed, it's just me feeling bound up on this hill, my husband running on whatever energy he's managed to deposit somewhere - I can only assume he's withdrawing from his savings "account" - and what used to be simple trips to town have become whole day adventures coordinated between people who drop me off, people who pick me up, people who babysit my son, foods I am allowed or not allowed to eat... Heck, I really don't need to list this stuff every time I write about it, do I?

But what I am wanting to say is that... I've learned to allow myself the freedom to just call a sh*tty day what it is - a sh*tty day! - and to not feel like I need to apologise every time I get angry at something that is beyond me.

This feeling is surprisingly... human, and generous somehow. It's a little like being my own friend and calling myself up in the evening to ask, "Hey, have you got an hour to sit down with me with a cuppa and just to complain the sh*t out of this thing?" and replying enthusiastically, "Hell yeah!"

And then sitting down with a cuppa, having a moan, and feeling much better for having done it, afterwards.

Meanwhile, today is a "taking easy" day. I am tired as I have not slept well (tummy gets so uncomfortable whichever way I try to lay) and I assume because of that it keeps cramping up every time I do anything even sightly more aerobic, like, lifting a washing basket for example, so today I am just taking it easy and being kind.

And then tomorrow it will be a day of dropping The Kid off at the babysitter's at 7 am, going to blood tests, meeting with a neurologist, meeting with diabetes nurses... Hopefully to be back home by about 4 pm, to then continue on with whatever needs doing at home, and all the while congratulating myself for having reached a happy 29 week mark, with an energetic girl kicking away in my tummy, and just being me.

I am really good at rambling, in case you haven't noticed ;)

1 comment:

  1. Apologies if 2 comments come through - I thought I'd already written one?
    Just looking at your list of things to do tomorrow makes me tired! Hope the appointments go well and that you've had a nice restful day today. If there's anything I can do from Wellington let me know :-)