Slump

Laying in bed now and feeling what I am feeling makes me painfully aware that as much as I have been feeling that 'it's alright, I can cope' this week, I still need to keep an eye out on myself so not to let this 'it's alright' feeling turn into trying to be a supermum.

Because here's the thing: it's been a lovely day. I got to rest, I got to do a few things (but not too many!), I got to smile and to feel hopeful - but then, in the evening, as The Man sat down with me and wanted to get his head around how much time off work exactly he will need to take in order to get me to obstetrician's appointments, neurologist's appointments etc, and was trying to push me to give him more answers than I am capable of giving at this moment, I felt a familiar 'slump!' come on.

The same sort of a 'slump!' I felt last Monday; the sort where I just wanted to cry a little and make it go away somehow.

I understand that The Man's company isn't very impressed with him needing time off work because his wife is pregnant, can't drive and lives in wop-wops - but I also refuse to try and come up with answers on how often exactly the doctor's appointments will be because, in all seriousness, I just do not know.

No-one does.

From here onwards it depends on ultrasounds and bloodwork - if all looks well, come back in 4 weeks; if there's a suspicion of slowing growth, 2 weeks; if there's actual indication of slowing growth, a week. Basically, every time I go in I will get a plan on what the next few weeks will be, and then again the next time, and the next.

And even if this little a-bit-too-much-pressure (of wanting to know how often the appointments will be) made me feel all weepy and resentful, I am wondering where exactly does my limit stand at the moment then, and how much - or how little - can I actually take before I end up in that familiar 'please can somebody lift me out of this life here and give me something better, thank you very much' again.

Because it's all good and well maintaining health, sanity and energy levels until the due date, but... it doesn't end there.

Due date is where a pregnancy ends, sure, but due date is also when a baby starts. And going by past experience and reasoning, I will need my energy levels full - not depleted - by the time that stuff starts because... well... babies can be tough, and if I get a little weepy simply by feeling pressured by some company who wants their employees there, then how much - or how little - exactly will I be able to take from a toddler and a baby before I find myself sitting on the floor beside a sofa and crying my eyes out?

Jesus I got heavy with this.

Anyway, I'm feeling reasonable at the moment, but I'm just getting a little apprehensive by seeing myself react in such a manner and wondering, what exactly will this chick be like, huh?

Easy, girl, easy - just take it day by day, slowly.

2 comments:

  1. Virtuaalne kallistus Sulle!

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  2. You will manage. You will. xx

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