Getting through this winter, one step at a time

Several times today I've felt like sitting down on the floor and crying. Literally. Even writing this here my eyes well up with tears.

I think one day I am going to write about it here, you know, to get some of this stuff out, but at the moment I feel that I can just about manage simply existing and organising my days around this new... life, and if I try and write then I simply start crying. Again.

But in short, remember how I've mentioned that for almost two years now I get little dizzy spells every now and again? I've mentioned it here, here, here, here and possibly in more places?

Well, there's a new theory going around now - and the theory is, I might be having seizures.

(I'll let that sink in for a moment.)

If you're anything like me then the word "epilepsy", to you, will create a mental image of a person who falls on the ground and starts shaking - the big sort of seizure stuff.

But turns out, epilepsy goes all the way from those big, fall-to-the-ground seizures to little, often not even noticed or diagnosed oh-my-finger-is-tingling seizures. Basically, you can have a person walk up the steps to their house and suddenly have a feeling of deja vu, "Hmm, it feels like I've already done this before" and 20 seconds later have everything back to normal, and turns out, that person might well have epilepsy, which is a word for a condition when your brain fires a random electrical signal.

Or they may have their finger "tingle" for a minute.
Or they may have a little laughing spell.
Or they may go dizzy for half a minute, like I do.

And although it's not confirmed or anything yet, but simply because I keep having little dizzy spells and we're running out of ideas on what else it might be, my GP is looking into getting checked whether I may have... epilepsy.

And that I can handle, I think. The more I read about it, the more I understand that it's a pretty f*cking common thing.

But the part where it makes me feel like I want to sit down and cry, is that until it gets confirmed either way - have it, or don't have - I am not allowed to drive.

F*ck. F*ck. F*ck.

Here, this is why I think this f*cked up:


There is absolutely nothing I can walk to from here. There is no public transport to here. I am 25 weeks pregnant with my second child so I cannot even bike any more. Because I am pregnant, I have blood tests, doctor's appointments, ultrasounds, midwife appointments - none of which I can go to independently any more and will have to rely on my husband to drive me everywhere.

Grocery shopping, checking the mail, going to playgroup - I won't be able to go anywhere, unless someone else drives me, so for the upcoming winter, when I will have both a toddler and hopefully a little healthy baby at home, I will be housebound 5 days a week.

And I would just like to say now, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.

As much as I think I am not in a condition to move house at the moment (you know, being pregnant n' stuff, and getting increasingly tired), I had a brief look at rental prices on TradeMe, just in case, and... yeah. Post-earthquake Christchurch is not a place to move to in February 2014.

There are way bigger problems in the world, I know. I know. I know!

But I would nevertheless like to grab someone by their neck and just shake them, real hard. I'd like there to be someone I can be angry at. To vent it out, you know.

But there isn't.

It's not my fault, as I have not done anything to me, and I did not expect to be in a position like this when I first made the decision to move here.

It's not my GP's fault because she is simply following a procedure which says that if you even think someone may be having seizures, you ask them not to drive until it gets cleared. And it makes sense!

It's not the medical system's fault because living in a country with publicly funded healthcare I understand why such a thing as a neurologist's appointment takes 3 months to come through.

It's not even anyone's fault that if it does turn out that my dizzy spells are technically seizures, none of the medication they will want to put me on is compatible with either pregnancies or breastfeeding (or come without side effects, but that's standard with medicines, right?), so either way we're looking a long, long time.

I... I... I'm just angry because within a day my life has gone from being somewhat self-sustainable and social to being an old school farming community wife who spends her whole days at home with children whilst her husband is out doing things.

So many things are still functioning, I know. The firewood is stacked for winter. I have a wonderful family (even The Dog, who occasionally makes me want to throw stuff at her). There's food and savings and hope for a future where there's a house we own in a community where school is within walking distance, and shop is within walking distance, and work is within walking distance...

But for now, what I see is a winter ahead of me which will have long, lonely days with a baby and a toddler and a dog.

I will start making a point of inviting people here, of making space and time in between children to have people visit our home and actually feel good here. And...

I think I need a few weeks for this thing to really settle in. At the moment it's Monday evening.

Step back, step forward, step back, step forward... I'll just get through this winter, step by step.

PS. Wow... I guess I did sit down and write about it for a while. Didn't think it would come out today.


  1. Oh that's so sucky! I feel for you right now. You're like a wild horse that's just been put behind a fence. I hope the tests and/or results come through quickly for you and that it gets figured out and sorted soon.

    Big hug your way.

  2. Oh that really sucks. If I was in chch I would come and take you out for a day x x thinking of you x

  3. Kaatje17.2.14

    Kas sul on võimalik saata mulle oma e-posti aadress? Näiteks meilile

    Natuke konsulteerisin sinu probleemide asjus. Ei, mul ei ole lahendust :((( Aga ühe imepisikese mõtte ma sain. Väga võimalik, et sellest pole mingit abi. Kui siiski soovid, kirjutan sellest lähemalt meilile.

  4. Kristina17.2.14

    You know one winter is such a short time if your think back to that later. I don't remember much from the time I was at home with my kid when he was 4-10 months old. The things he learned - sure! But something I did? Not really. You hang in there, it might not be as bad as you imagine right now.

  5. Hopefully your doctor can stress your isolation in her referral to get it bumped up the list. Can't think of much else you can do right now. I take it your midwife can visit you rather than you going to her?
    What a pain though, it's always hard when your life gets turned around in ways you didn't expect.