Bittersweet ponderings

I sometimes - okay, who am I kidding, often - pause and ponder. Am I going to skydive again? Am I going to work in Antarctica? Am I going to backpack again?

And the answer is, I don't know. God willing, yes, health continuing, yes, children growing, yes... but then I get that "but".

Life's not a given. Maybe in a few years' time I am still in full health and ready, willing and wanting - but maybe I'm not. I don't know.

What I have is now and what I can count on is now, because everything after that is a hopeful maybe. Right now - okay, maybe not now now as I am pregnant at the moment, but you know what I mean, generally - I am in good enough health to climb into a frickin' plane and arch my frickin' back, and to climb hills, and to wear bulky, heavy snowgear, and to just go and do it.

But I'm not doing it - I'm postponing.

I've shown a remarkable amount of patience and continue on doing so on a daily basis. It's the life choices I am making where I am spending time with my kid and washing his poopy nappies and playing fetch with my dog in the yard; a comfortable, conventional existence; and every now and again I think to myself, but what if I just went? Today, maybe tomorrow evening? What if I told The Man that look, I love you and you're a wonderful man, but I need to go now, not because of you, but because of me - because of the things I need to do for me.

I toy with this idea every now and again, of going and doing what's important, and leaving everything else behind for a while so I can come back, smiling, and do what I am doing with pleasure.

And it's not that kids aren't important, or dogs, or husbands, or houses - they are, but they're also hard. They're tedious. Children, especially, are tedious.

Every day - every single day - The Kid stands and points to something, angry at me for not understanding him, and every day I think, jesus, I so wish you started talking already, in a language I can understand so you're not screaming at me in the kitchen whilst I am, yet again, doing dishes and thinking, really? Is that it? Is that how it's just gonna keep on going, forever?

It's tedious - really, seriously tedious. People who take care of their children every day (and by that I mean people who don't have family/friends/nannies who take kids every now and again and give parents a breather) and say that they're enjoying each day, well, to that I can only say: f*ck you and you're either lying or you're really boring, or both.

I toy with the idea of packing a few things and heading out the garden gate and seeing where the road takes me because doing this, here, is not fulfilling.

Well, that's not true either: it is fulfilling, sometimes and on a certain level, totally!, but there is also another level in my life which feels like a dying lake stranded on a piece of dried-up valley floor and sometimes I think about that part of my life and I'm not even sure when it was that I stopped doing the things that made me light up and started doing this... family.

Wow... Second month of nausea where I haven't been out, alone, a single time all this time and where almost every evening I am in bed by 7:30 pm because I just cannot go any further, I am tired and nauseous and bored, and I keep on taking care of this household and of this young family and I just want to pick it all up and give it to someone and say, look, you take care of it all now, thanks, and then I just want to give away my nausea and tiredness also and be an energetic, young person again for a change - and then I just want to go.

Seriously bored and tired. And nauseous, yet again, and so sick and tired of just sucking it up and dealing with it.

Today I stood in the bathroom and thought to myself, it is probably the last time in my life that I am going to be 11 weeks pregnant - because looking at how tiresome this process is, I just simply don't want to go through it yet again, especially now that I don't really get to rest anymore with The Kid around - and it felt only partially bittersweet, because even more than bittersweet this thought felt... elating.

I felt hopeful that I will (probably) never again have to go through this again. Hopeful.


  1. I've been thinking about this now and then, and being angry to people who say that it should be a bless of having children, even in those times when you're on the edge of collapsing of... everything. And yet I now see, reading you, that we, two foreign parents in Finland, without the help of grandparents, relatives and such friends who can help out from time to time... we are still in a better situation. Well, we've at least full-time daycare on a reasonable price and that makes a HUGE difference! So yes, I absolutely get you, and you've all the right to feel what you feel. Just hold on and one day it will be all good again.
    Greets from Jaanika in Finland (a mom of 22 months old and pregnant for 8 months ;)

    1. I think I'd never heard the expression "Hold on" as often... until I had children. Or, actually, it started when I was pregnant - and ever since, it seems that this sentence just keep coming back, again and again and again, from all sorts of people, telling me to "hold on" =). Do you get that (sentence) said to you, too? In New Zealand government-supported childcare starts at 3 years, so it'll make a welcome difference, because at the moment The Kid is in childcare only for the hours that I spend at work. But on the bright side: it does help going to work and getting out the house and speaking to people who are, you know, adults ;)