An evening ramble on parental relationships and on friends

Revelations come from the silliest, unexpected places.

I was playing music through Youtube, in no particular order or preference whatsoever - just random clicking from one song to another, background noise.

And then I came upon this:

And suddenly, I was crying.

I've heard this song so many times before!, from different artists, but never has it placed itself in my circumstances just like it did today and never talked to me like that.

"I was once like you are now and I know that it's not easy"


This - this is what I want. I do not want any more advice or more suggestions, or lectures, or being told how to live my life,
or how to raise my child,
or what medicine to put on my child's wounds.

If I have a question, I'll ask, but apart from that what I want is to simply be 1) left alone to live my life the way I see fit and 2) when support is offered then for it to be in a form of a friend who has the wisdom to simply say, "I know - I was once like that, too. I know it's not easy." A hand on my shoulder perhaps or a hug maybe - that, that's what I want.


My dad died when I was in high school and though I know it probably has a lot to with that, ever since then some of my closest friends have been men in their fifties, sixties even. Heck, the latest one is in his nineties!

And I'm not talking sex or romantic relationships here, but really - friends.

Wherever I've lived I've had a friend like that. In Alaska I've hung out in a camping ground, talking late into the night; in Svalbard in a pub, chewing on reindeer steak; in New Zealand up on a glacier learning from a man who knows his trade well or even here, near Christchurch, an elderly couple who we call "grandparents" though they are of no relation to us whatsoever.

I know that in some ways those (older) friends have substituted what I have so dearly missed in my personal life and that is a parent who helps me grow and then, as I get older - sets me free. A parent who occasionally puts a hand on my shoulder and says, "I know, kiddo. I know."

As I watched this Youtube video here, all of that suddenly hit me. This, this is what I want! I don't want any more lecturing or "suggestions" or "advice" or "support" or "help" - what I want is to be acknowledged as an adult who has the divine, God-given right to make my own mistakes, if I so wish, and... yeah.

Basically, what I have are friends splattered all around the globe and some of them do have that wisdom to recognise me as what I am - a young adult - and though they sometimes tell me if I'm being obnoxious or outright overestimating in abilities, they nevertheless accept that I am my own person and that it is not their job to control me and instead we give each other that wonderful feeling of care, of being thought of, of acceptance and of love.

That. That is what I want.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous26.11.13

    Paljupalu õnne, Mannikene! :)
    Jõhvikas aka Mari