On the moment of being held for the first time

And another thing I forgot to add to my previous post - a thought I had whilst reading Talia's birth story where she says, "You never forget that feeling of holding your baby for the first time. It's true love and pure bliss."

I don't actually... remember it.

They took him out of my belly and put him on a side table where they did, well, whatever surgeons and nurses do to babies after they've taken them out of their mummies' tummies, and after a while someone brought him over to me so I could see him and I think I touched his finger with mine, gently, but then the medicines were kicking in and I started vomiting so I could just mutter out some sort of a warning so that someone could grab a cup for me and move the baby away whilst I was retching.

And then they took him up to NICU whilst I was being stitched back up. After a while he was brought down again but after a day - or was it two? - they took him up again and I had to stay down in maternity ward because I couldn't walk yet then.

And then there's this moment that I remember the best: when The Man had wheeled me up to NICU in a wheelchair and my son was in that incubator under blue lights. Someone opened two little windows so I could stick my hands in and touch him. I was so... afraid of touching him because he was so small and there was that plastic shield of an incubator between us, and then they said that we need to keep him warm so they asked me to take my hands out of the incubator and they shut the windows again and I just sat there and wept.

Wow. This stuff is really coming out today, isn't it.

***

For the first few days of my son's life it was really his father that held him - The Man. He changed nappies and swaddled The Kid in blankets and lifted him from the cot to me and then back again, whilst I was first recovering from surgery and then fiddling with endless breast pumps and alarm clocks and just... doing whatever needed doing at the time.

And looking back it's no wonder I struggled.

I know, lots of people get much weightier situations than ours was - most parents in that NICU were in much weightier situations than we were. But on the other hand, everyone gets what they can handle, right, and parenting-wise that really was what I could handle then, I think.

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