Early morning thoughts

A few things that have stuck in my mind, things which I will probably mull over once I've got energy because at the moment, after three crappy nights of sleep all I want is sleep, are, in no particular order:

I realised only yesterday that relationships I've had growing up have mostly - if not all - been time-limited, meaning, I didn't spend a heck a lot of time with people that were around me; not with my brother, or my father, or my mother or my friends. I'm not used to intensive relationships that last over a long time.

Short relationships? Bring it on. I don't have a problem sitting in a car with someone and within minutes, discussing fiercely personal items of hopes and fears and tribulations, or however that saying goes. I'm familiar with it - building intense relationships and then moving on.

So it shouldn't, really, come as a surprise that I start feeling bound when I've been with someone for a while, but for whatever reason, it does (come as a surprise).

It's something I'm learning at 28 now.

***

A workmate said yesterday that in his time, it was a story going around parenting circles that children need quality time.

Now, at 40+ and with his children all grown up, he says that he disagrees with the notion. It's not quality time children need, but time.

He says he doesn't buy the notion that a person can put aside his work for an hour and say, for the next hour I'll be with you to a kid, and for that to be enough. There a circumstances, of course, and he understands that, but we were talking about relationships with children that last over a long time, and about trust, and what it takes to build trust.

I, personally, think that trust is attitude. I don't have a problem picking out a person, relying on my instinct, and then going with it whether it's advice on skydiving or an invitation to go up a glacier, but I also understand that biochemically, it's a quirk I have. I am anxious by nature, and I've come to understand and accept that - for a lot of the time anyway, though not always - so to me a decision that carries risk and also potential isn't that hard to come by. I decide quickly whether to trust or not, and then trust.

To me, trust is about deciding to do it and then simply rolling with it until it feels otherwise. I don't understand, intuitively, what trust based on calculations and experience is like because in my head, calculations don't work. God knows I've tried, but I'm not set up like that.

It's why - and I know that now - I don't make a good adventure guide. My decisions are based on intuition and with a group of people relying on me for their wellbeing, that's not a good place to be.

But I also need to understand that a lot of people around me - probably more people than not - function differently and trust they have builds and diminishes differently than mine.

My husband and, quite possibly, my son trust differently than I do.

***

A person I know proposed to his wife for a second time when they were already married. He says it is a commitment he was making.

At twenty-something, his reasons for getting married were different from the reasons he was staying married at 35; and so to him, it made sense to propose yet again as a sign of respect over how their relationship had changed over the years and to show why he was choosing to stay in it.

It is a tad cute, sure, but it is also... weighty, for lack of a better word.

It is such a rich topic to write about - commitment. I'm not even remotely rested enough to dwell on it for much longer.

***

My son is asleep now, that's why I'm writing. I've been up since 5-something, for several mornings in a row actually, and it's 8 o'clock now and he's been asleep for an hour.

I know there's things to do, a bag to pack, food to prepare, a shower to have since I am still sweaty from running around last night with a bunch of people, laser guns in hand, and taking out our CEO for what must've been five, six times in a row (every time I sneaked upon a person from the back it was, like, it's you again!, and he said later he spent most of his time reloading his gun because Maria had taken him out again), but I'm just... tired, so tired.

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