Songs of the past

I got onto my Youtube channel and started clearing away songs I'd, at different times of my life, tagged good. Otis Taylor "Ten Million Slaves", Andy McKee "Drifting", Colbie Caillat "Bubbly" - even Nicole Scherzinger's "Baby Love" though what prompted me to put it there in the first place, I really can't tell. Not that I wouldn't want to - I simply don't remember. I didn't know there was a time in my life where she made it to the good songs list.

At John Mayer's "Say" I paused. I know exactly when that song made it.

A winter in Estonia. Train rides up and down the country. Uni classes. And then a winter up at Svalbard.

I often played it during my travels in New Zealand.

Life's changed now. That's why a lot of the songs had to go. I do remember - vividly - why I had them up there before, but I don't relate to them anymore. John Mayer's "Say" is a song that's been.

Today I felt sad.

I drove to town, had fun in the swimming pool with my family. Then, on the way back, I was hoping to share some wonderful food with The Man, maybe show him some of the places I've been to. Have some time with us.

Alas, that didn't happen. The Kid was tired and grizzly, fell asleep in the car and then woke up again, grizzlier yet. Car started making a weird noise. Windscreen wipers screeched up and down the window. Coffee shop was closed.

It was one those afternoons when life was marched by a little human being barely third my size who doesn't even speak, yet has this magical ability to make adults either do what he's wanting or make damn sure that no-one else is enjoying what they're doing otherwise. If he were old enough to take care of himself and understand what I'm saying, I'd say to him, look, you can grizzle at me but that only means that I'll grizzle back at you when we get home so let's make a deal here: you get some of what you want and in return, I get some of what I want. Sound doable?

But at the moment, I simply drive on, let him complain away in his car seat and when it really gets to me, shout oh would you stop doing that please! Geesh.

I know why I've made these choices. Having a family was important enough to choose this way.

But as we drove back home from town, I wondered: do I really want to be married this way?

This - this is why those songs don't speak to me anymore.

I thought of taking the raft out this weekend and making my way to Quail island for a wonder. Didn't happen.

What's happened to this life?

And this one?

And this?

Bugger this.

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